We all have those times when such a bout of boredom hits us that we start stalking our own selves. I don’t know if this can be described as meta-physical but you are aware of your own self and your thoughts as never before. You judge yourself and a situation that seemed so imperative at one point, and merely gets a guffaw of amusement out. Then there are times, if you are a hoarder such as me, when you go back all the way to your notes / assignments / essays from high school and they are so astute and brilliant you can’t help but be shamed but all the knowledge and skill you’ve lost.

As my 1o year high school reunion approaches, and I find myself looking through old notes and AP Lit essays, some assignments are so jarringly obnoxious, just thrown in to make sure the teacher knows I know my SAT words that I cringe at my young self, but other times, my insight into the French Revolution shocks me. It boggles my mind how I was able to measure moles and type out reports on dating rocks. A sense of nostalgia fills me; I’m almost sad at how much I knew and how little I retained. But there’s also a sense of pride; a pride which makes me realize, I am still the same person who thought she understood the world and will realize 10 years from now I know nothing.

It’s kind of a nice feeling, being reintroduced to yourself. There are those rare moments when you can pinpoint ‘AHA this moment was the one which led to me being exactly where I am today’. I ask myself often, how much of my mistakes would I repeat, how much of my past would I erase and how much have I actually learned from. There are also patterns you notice, for some a series of unfortunate decisions. Things you do after telling yourself over and over “never again”. It could be something so minor such as the insane amount of procrastination which leads me to A- assignments which easily could have been As had I started a day earlier. Or it could be something bigger like noticing the minuscules something  that every wrong guy you dated had in common, which led you to where you are today…writing this blog :p

Whatever it is, self reflection at times does us just as much bad as it does good. If only I were the type to actually learn from my mistakes, not just jot them down as another thing to be anxious over.